I have been thinking about you all day. Then this evening while I was on the computer checking my messages, I saw that so many friends had written notes or posted photos of their fathers. It was sweet and thoughtful and fun, and I too wanted to send my message of love and remembrance. So I reviewed the photos that I took of you right before you died. It has been almost four years. There you are wearing a salon cape as the hair dresser cut your hair at your condo. You were too sick to leave your condo but you were expecting a visitor. You looked shaggy, and I knew that you had always looked put together in the past. You were proud of your looks and always looked good. You would want to be presentable to your guests. So I called the hair dresser to do a home visit. I was sad that you hadn’t had enough personal care, but glad that I could do this one small gesture of care for you. You were wearing the cape and I said “Let’s take a picture” and to my surprise you didn’t refuse. Instead you gave me a big cheesy grin. A grin that I felt was from your five year old self. How fun, how intimate. I saw a part of you that you had hidden from me. I cherish those moments before your death, even if we were not having long conversations. It was more just the being of togetherness.
Mimi came to me in one of my meditations. She told me that she had been a hands off mother with you. She was shy and reserved and didn’t know how to be close to you. She always thought that because you had a twin, that you would manage okay. And you did, but she was sorry that she was a bit cold in her mothering approach. And then in turn, you were a bit reserved and cold in your fathering approach to me. Was that the pass-down legacy effect? Did I have to work hard to get closer to my children so that I wasn’t reserved and cold with them too? But now I feel you acknowledge my work and your love for me. I feel that we are closer now and have more mutual respect for each other. There has been a healing between us that came on the spirit level but is nonetheless true and powerful. I love you. Happy Father’s Day.