Tag Archives: mother

Am I My Mother?

Am I my MotherI look in the mirror. My hair has turned almost white. I remember my mother with her white hair blowing in the wind, framing her face. She looks like she is seeing into another world. She’s looking pensive, with a half smile on her face. I have a friend who would always tease me about coloring my hair and asked me why I did it. And I replied, so that I would not look like my mother. And now I do.

My mother wore her gray hair proudly and used to brag to us children that she’d have people come up to her at parties and ask what hairdresser had given her the gray streak. She’d had a gray streak since her early thirties.

I look at photographs of my mother at her wedding and I do not know that person. I know the person who was my mother, the woman who was in her thirties and forties and early fifties. If I look like my mother does that mean that I am my mother? Of course, I know intellectually that I am part Mom, part Dad and part me, which all goes to make up the unique me. But still, what parts of each of them have I inherited, the good parts or the bad parts? When I was in my twenties I was terrified that I had inherited all the bad parts of Mom. And then in my thirties, I thought maybe I’d inherited only the good parts. And then I just quit thinking about it.

I am my mother’s daughter. I have followed her patterns. I have changed her patterns. I have her patterns inside me. I want to clear my energy field of her patterns, the old patterns of self hate and self loathing. I want to release and let go of what does not serve me for my highest and best good. I want to clear my fields of energy. Let the darkness go, let the dark water flow out of me, the dark misty fog and have compassion and love for myself. Light in my being. Fill up my being with light. Spinning twirling shadow, light, shadow, light, we are made up of shadow and light, but if we spin fast enough, at a higher vibration, then we are filled with light, and spin and spit out rays of light. We are a spinning top of light and love. The rays come out of the top of our head and throughout our body. I didn’t know that I still held my mother’s pain. I thought I was clear. If I replicate an old pattern of pain, then have I acted out of a perverse sense of following the leader, the one who went before me, my mother? But I do not want to follow that old pattern, that old pain. I want light and love and compassion to fill my being.

And now I look in the mirror and I am passing into the age that I remember my mom being and I remember her and wonder.